How do I get my husband to drive safer?

June 18th, 2012

© Cagney & Lacey

As Featured in the June 16, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :  

Well my first Father’s Day as an actual father has come and gone, and I have to admit – I didn’t realize I would be sharing this very special day with so many other dads.

I spent it with my dad, my wife’s dad, my brothers (who are dads), my sisters’ husbands (also dads), a short-pouring bartender (a cheap dad), a taxi cab driver (a smelly dad), and a restaurant full of other dads also celebrating what I thought was a day that uniquely belonged to me. Not so much.

Overall I would have to say it was a bit of a disappointment. I guess I was expecting to collect $200 for passing Go, but instead I felt like I just collected $10 for finishing second in a beauty contest – which with my looks I should be happy about. But there was one nice thing that happened over Father’s Day weekend – my wife Jeni and I bought a new car!

We really didn’t have much of a choice, as our 9-month old son is growing so fast his head was about to pop through the roof of our car like Dino. Although this is our first new car together as a family, it’s really more my wife’s car. And I’m ok with that – especially with the way she drives. Now I’m not saying she’s a bad driver, but let’s just say that crash test dummies fasten their seatbelts when they get in the car with her.

So do I feel comfortable having my wife drive our son around? This my friends brings us to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: My husband drives like he’s in the Indianapolis 500! At this point in our marriage he knows how I feel, and we both know I can’t change his ways. But we now have two young children and it makes me nervous when he’s driving them around. He tells me now that we have children that he’s a safe driver. But how can I be sure he’s driving safely with our kids in the car?

- Emma from San Juan Capistrano

Dear Emma: Unless you and your girlfriend want to play Cagney and Lacey and follow him everywhere he goes, you’re going to have to take his word for it. As a parent, we all have to be more careful driving our kids around. Driving them day in and day out can lead us all to become a little complacent, causing us to often overlook the child safety aspects of safe driving. But there are a few signs to look for that may be a good indicator that your husband isn’t driving as safely as he is leading you to believe. Below I’ve outlined a few of those signs:

  • He tailgates so badly he can legally drive in the carpool lane by himself.
  • People hide his keys at parties and he doesn’t even drink.
  • He’s always swerving to avoid trees in the road, not realizing it’s just his air freshener.
  • He changes his airbag more often than he changes his oil.
  • He sees more middle fingers than a manicurist.
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What to do if your husband isn’t very handy

June 11th, 2012

© Bob The Builder

As Featured in the June 8, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :  

Father’s Day is almost upon us, and I’m quite excited as this is my first Father’s Day as an actual father. Because the only thing my son can do at this age is drool and eat Cheerios, I don’t expect him to make a big fuss this year. And I’m OK with that – at least he’s lowering his cholesterol.

Up until this year, this day has always been about my dad. My dad is an interesting character. He’s first generation American, as his father was from Denmark and his mother was from Scotland. And the funny thing is, my dad thinks he’s Italian. Perhaps it’s because his parents settled in a small Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn New York when they first came over on the Queen Mary. Or maybe he’s just a big fan of Jersey Shore. Either way, as long as he continues to pinch me on the cheeks and stuff money in my pockets every time he sees me, he can be whatever he wants to be.

The one thing my dad is not is handy. He can’t fix anything. Unlike most dads who teach their sons how to fish, tie knots and go camping, the only thing my dad ever taught me was to always split Aces and Eights. Well that and always use the valet.

So as a new dad myself, I wonder if I’ll be able to teach my 9-month-old son how to fix things. As it is now I’m pretty much lost in every episode ofBob the Builder. The only thing I know how to fix is a drink.

So do I need to be a handy dad to be a good dad? This bring us to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: My husband is useless around the house. Any time something breaks around here, if I don’t fix it, it doesn’t get fixed. Our 8-year-old son seems to be following in his father’s footsteps. So now I have two men in my house who can’t fix anything. How can I get my husband and son to help me around the house?

- Kim from Newport Coast

Dear Kim: It must be difficult having to be Kim “The Tool Man” Taylor around your house. But you need to keep in mind that just because your husband doesn’t know the different between a Phillips screwdriver and Wilson Phillips, it doesn’t make him useless around your house, or even useless around your son for that matter. Sure it would be nice if he could install that new garbage disposal that is broken because your son keeps stuffing his LEGOs down there, but you need to focus on the things he does do for both you and your son that indirectly help you around the house.

Here are a few things that dads can do around the house to be helpful:

Dads can make sure the grass and the flowers are watered every day. Especially if your sprinklers are on a timer.

Dads can iron everyone’s clothes each morning. They can do this by hanging them up in the bathroom as they take a really hot shower.

Dads can take the kids to school in the morning. Or at least to the local bus stop. It’s good for kids to learn at an early age how to use multiple bus transfers.

Dads can make sure your cars are always washed. Just be prepared to live in Seattle.

Dads can play with their kids for hours on end. Especially if they get the new Xbox 360 + Kinect for Father’s Day. Hint, Hint.

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Is your baby developing normally?

June 4th, 2012

© Weird Science

As Featured in the June 1, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register : 

My son wee Mac turned 9 months old yesterday. It’s funny to see the things that he gets all excited about at this age. Right now he loves balloons. In fact, he loves balloons so much he may be the only person here in Orange County who actually likes the Great Park. It’s been fun watching his development.

As a new parent you can’t help but compare your baby to other babies. And the funny thing is, as a new parent your baby will always be better – no matter what. For example, just the other day I saw another baby who was taller than wee Mac. So I looked for a flaw in that other baby, and I noticed he didn’t have much of a chin. So automatically I knew wee Mac was the far superior baby, because when that chin-less baby gets older, he’ll never be able to change a pillow case. Advantage – wee Mac.

So do all parents compare their kids to other kids? And if so, how do parents determine if their child is developing normally? And what does normally mean?

This brings us to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: I wanted to know if my 11-month-old son is developing normally. At this point I was hoping he would be doing more than simply waving bye-bye and using a sippy cup. My neighbor has a baby girl the same age and she’s already walking! Is my son behind in his development?

- Chet from Mission Viejo

Dear Chet: For you my explanation may sound like Weird Science, but because every child is different, it isn’t healthy for you (or your son) to compare them to other children. I hate to sound like the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, but with kids you sometimes have to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed. They each have their own different strengths, weaknesses, developmental patterns and personalities. Let your children be who they are and avoid the comparison game.

But if you must have some sort of measuring tool to track your child’s first year of progress, allow me to provide you one:

Months 1 & 2: After the birth, your baby will exhibit a number of primitive reflexes. Like boomerang throwing and fire starting.

Months 3 & 4: Initially, babies at this age can hold an object, but will be reluctant to let it go. Much like you and this question.

Months 5 & 6: Babies are now able to roll on the ground from front to back and back to front. Just like you do when they give last call at Hooters.

Months 7 & 8: Verbally, vowel sounds are produced in abundance. Unfortunately, so are bowel sounds.

Months 9 & 10: Despite their newfound independence, babies are quite clingy and still wary of strangers. So you may want to hold your Dungeons and Dragons tournaments at Milton’s house until he is older.

Months 11 & 12: Their vocabulary is growing slowly and words are readily imitated, so watch your language and what television shows you watch. You may think Wheel of Fortune is safe, but “Buy a !#&*%$ vowel!” should not be his first words.

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When should your teen start lifting weights?

May 28th, 2012
© The Brady Bunch

As Featured in the May 28, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :  

So there is a rumor going around that I don’t have an 8-month-old son named wee Mac. Apparently I don’t take him out enough, so people are starting to have doubts. They’re starting to refer to him as Snuffleupagus, because I’m always talking about him, but yet nobody ever sees him.

Well I can assure you he is real. I didn’t just make him up like Jan Brady made up her imaginary boyfriend George Glass.

This weekend we managed to take wee Mac to the beach, which is kind of odd as Daft Daddy doesn’t do very well in the sun. First of all, I’m whiter than the bad guy in “The Da Vinci Code.” I can get sunburned just walking to my car. And don’t even get me started on how out of shape I’m in; let’s just say when I take off my shirt, girls secretly dress me with their eyes.

But luckily for wee Mac, he doesn’t have my coloring. Plus he’s in better shape than I am. It’s like having Bamm-Bamm for a son. He’s very strong for an 8-month-old, and he doesn’t even work out.

Which brings us to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: My son is 13 and wants to start lifting weights. He’s wanted to do it for a couple of years and I would just tell him he’s too young. I heard kids shouldn’t start lifting early, but I never knew for sure. At what age is it OK to let my son start lifting weights?

- Brett from Lake Forest

Dear Brett: Anyone who has been reading my column for long knows I’ve been struggling with my weight for quite some time now. I go up and down in weight so often I feel like a Yo-Yo. When my wife tells me to walk the dog I think she’s making fun of me. So for this question I turn to online personal trainer Willie Moore over atMoore Than Just Fitness in Los Alamitos for a little help. Willie suggests waiting for the onset of puberty, which is around age 13 or 14 for most children. But to be safe, he says to always consult your child’s physician before beginning any strength or weight lifting regimen.

Below I’ve outlined a few of my own suggestions when beginning a strength and/or weight training program for children:

Always be there to supervise your child when they are working out. If you wear a gray sweatshirt that says COACH across the front with a whistle around your neck, it will make you look like you know what you’re doing.

Start with very light weights and controlled motions to reduce risk for long-term injury. Having Tommy John surgery before they start high school will not look attractive to college recruiters. Or high school recruiters if you’re Mater Dei.

Stress proper technique. The most important thing is that your child is doing the exercise the correct way. If they aren’t, you should yell at them and tell them over and over again that they’re doing it wrong. Kids really respond to that.

Make sure your child rests between workouts. Resting between the years 2007 and 2012 like you did is too long.

Vary the workouts so it’s fun and not boring for the child. Like one day do a light jog around a friendly park, then the next day do full contact MMA.

If you need help, hire a coach or personal trainer with experience in youth strength training. Just make sure none of these coaches or personal trainers are former football coaches at Penn State.


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How To Baby Proof Your House

May 21st, 2012

© Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

As Featured in the May 18, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register : 

My 8-month-old son Wee Mac is really starting to act his age.

Now that he can crawl, he’s inflicting quite a bit of damage to our house. It’s hard to believe something so small can get into so much mischief. If Judy Blume was to write another book, I think wee Mac would be the new Fudge.

Lately his new thing is to bang on everything. It’s like living with a miniature drummer. Just the other day I found him banging on our coffee table when the song, “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard came on the radio. I have to admit, he did do a pretty good drum solo – granted he has the use of both arms.

I think it’s safe to say the time has come for us to baby-proof our house. The last thing we need is for wee Mac to pull a President Ford and take a bad spill down our staircase.

Which brings us to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: Our 9-month-old son is scooting around the house and getting into everything. The other day he crawled into the back of our closet and it was a pain to get him out. Can you provide us with some baby-proofing suggestions?

- Gloria from San Juan Capistrano

Dear Gloria: First of all, I’m delighted to hear your son came out of the closet. But to help keep your baby safe from potential injuries – including choking, drowning, falls, poisoning and burns, there are many ways to baby-proof your home.

Below I’ve outlined a few tips that I have found helpful:

Secure all furniture so your baby cannot pull anything over on himself. This is especially true if you own a kegerator.

Remove any items from your baby’s vantage point that you find valuable. Like your Moma’s Family boxed DVD collection.

Small children are capable of drowning in toilet bowls, so make sure to purchase a toilet latch. Or for the love of God, can’t your husband just learn to leave the seat down?!

Wrap up the slack from electrical cords and place them out of reach. Try hiding them behind furniture such as your couch. And while you’re back there, you might as well throw out all those old Jack in the Box taco wrappers.

Keep button batteries away from your baby, as they can cause intoxication with mercury and acid. But on the plus side, if you ever give your baby up for adoption, you can advertise them by saying, “Batteries included.”

Small objects can end up in a baby’s mouth and cause choking, so make sure to keep your floors cleaned and vacuumed. Which as a woman shouldn’t be a problem for you.

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How do we get our baby to sleep?

May 14th, 2012

 

© Pretty Woman

As Featured in the May 12, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register : 

Happy day after Mother’s Day! As a Mother’s Day gift, I gave my wife Jeni the morning off to do whatever she wanted, while I spent time with our 8-month-old son wee Mac.

Jeni decided to go shopping, as she wanted a nice dress to wear to her parents’ house for dinner that evening. When she came home, I could not believe how many bags of clothes she was holding. She looked like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” – only Jeni isn’t a prostitute.  I was going to grill her about how much money she had just spent, but we had a bigger problem on our hands.

While she was out spending money faster than Khloe Kardashian in a doughnut shop, I walked into wee Mac’s room and found him standing in his crib!

Now when this happens, you’re supposed to lower the crib to its lowest setting so the little guy can’t climb out and hurt himself. So we lowered his crib, took out the bumpers, and now that he’s only surrounded by iron bars, he looks like he’s sleeping in a jail cell. He may as well just go to bed in an orange jumpsuit. Hopefully we won’t have to switch his formula to pruno.

And it only gets worse for our little prisoner, as he also has to put up with two wardens. When we say lights out, its lights out – or he can say goodbye to his bread and water in the morning. But luckily for us – and wee Mac, for the most part he has always been a good sleeper.

So is sleeping through the night normal? Welcome to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: My wife and I are going crazy! At night our 4-month-old baby won’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. It’s been like this since the day we brought him home from the hospital. We’re constantly up and down all night long. How do we get our baby to sleep through the night?

- Doug from Tustin

Dear Doug: I remember when wee Mac was first born. We too had to consistently get up and down in the middle of the night. We felt like firefighters, only we had to work more than 10 days a month. But soon we found our groove, and it’s been pretty easy ever since. According to Dr. Sears, there are various styles of nighttime parenting. Here are a few tips on how to help your baby sleep through the night:

Develop a realistic attitude about nighttime parenting. Sleeping, like eating, is not a state you can force your baby into. Well you could, but you’ll need a really good lawyer.

Decide where your baby sleeps the best. There is no right or wrong place for your baby to sleep. Except for on the couch – which is where you usually sleep.

Calming down. Give your baby a warm bath followed by a soothing massage to relax tense muscles and busy minds. You can also offer him a discounted room rate, free parking and breakfast the following morning.

Dress for the occasion. Try various ways of swaddling your baby at night. In the early months, many babies like to “sleep tight,” securely swaddled in a cotton baby blanket. You can also use duct tape.

Consistent bedtimes and rituals. Babies who enjoy consistent bedtimes and familiar going-to-sleep rituals usually go to sleep easier and stay asleep longer. So make sure you and your wife continue to fight with each other when putting your baby to bed.

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Should I get my pregnant wife a Mother’s Day gift?

May 7th, 2012

© Saved by the Bell

As Featured in the May 7, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register : 

I remember as a kid asking my mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day, and it was always the same reply – clean your room and no fighting (with my siblings). As a 10-year-old, obviously she was delirious. Or perhaps she was spending more time in the “forbidden” kitchen cabinet than I thought she was.

Who in their right mind would want a clean house and no fighting as a present? Surely she wanted another macaroni necklace or a coffee mug that has two oversized pink nostrils on the bottom of it so she looks like a pig every time she takes a sip.

But now as a new parent – and having a house that is so messy FEMA would declare it a national disaster – it all makes sense. What’s important to you before you have children is significantly different to what’s important to you after you have children. Sometimes this can be a fine line, which brings me to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: Mother’s Day is coming up, and my wife is 8 months pregnant. Do I have to do anything for her this year? I mean technically she’s not a mother yet, so I think I’m safe until next year. What do you think?

- Jack from Huntington Beach

Dear Jack: If you think Adele is angry, just wait until you don’t do anything for your wife for Mother’s Day this year. I fell into this similar trap last year when my wife Jeni was 25 weeks pregnant, so please heed my advice.

Now I’ve said a lot of dumb things in my lifetime, like the time I asked a bartender to wash my hands after I came back from the bathroom because the sign over the urinal said, “Employees Must Wash Hands,” but boy did I step in it with Jeni last Mother’s Day.

I took her to Slater’s 50/50 in Anaheim Hills for lunch, as we had heard good things about the place. It kind of reminded me a little bit of The Max, with the exception that Zach and Kelly weren’t smooching in one of the corner booths. Everything was cool until I decided to put my foot rather than my burger in my mouth. When the waiter wished us a Happy Mother’s Day, I turned into Screech Powers and said, “Well she’s not a mother yet.”

Much like my burger later that evening, my response did not sit well with Jeni. She was cursing at me so much, if they used beeps to censor her words it would have sounded like a fleet of trucks backing up. But once things settled down and Jeni explained to me all of the sacrifices she had to make just so wee Mac could continue to punch and kick her in the belly like a bad Steven Seagal movie, I had to reconsider my position. To me once your wife is pregnant, she is a mother. So to all you future dads out there, make sure you acknowledge Mother’s Day even if your wife is just pregnant. Otherwise you just may end up being Marked for Death by your wife.

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Should kids be punished for bad grades?

April 30th, 2012

© What's Happening!!

As Featured in the April 27, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :

Well my son turns 8 months old this week, and I can’t believe how fast time flies. It seems like only yesterday he was pooping and throwing up on me. Oh wait a minute – that was yesterday.

He now has two new teeth that are so far apart from each other, when he smiles he looks like a combination of a jack-o-lantern and Leon Spinks. If he still looks this way come October he’s going to be spending a lot of time on our front porch.

As a new parent, you can’t help but think how much your child has to learn over his or her lifetime. I mean I’m 42 years old and I still haven’t answered a Final Jeopardy question correctly. And not only that, even though I have an MFA, Jeff Foxworthy continues to show me week after week that I’m not smarter than a fifth grader.

So how am I going to make sure wee Mac doesn’t spend so many years in school that his nickname isn’t Rerun? Do I reward him for good grades and punish him for bad ones? Which brings me to our Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: We have two boys in grade school, and one does much better than the other. We typically give our children money when they bring home good grades. The problem is we are only rewarding one of our children, while the other continues to struggle. I was hoping money would motivate him, but obviously it’s not. Should we punish him for bad grades?

- Leanne from Sunset Beach

Dear Leanne: I grew up in a household with very strict parents. When they told me to make my bed they gave me a hammer and nails. They didn’t mess around. They took the same approach when it came to grades – having success with some of my siblings and not much on the others. As it turns out, unlike every Daughtry song, each of my brothers and sisters are not the same – much like your two boys. If you are going to give an incentive for good grades, you should also reward effort and improvement as well as the result. By doing so you may just discover you now have two children who are succeeding. Below are a few Daft Daddy tips for improving your kids’ grades in school:

Set a specific quiet time for homework or general reading. Like during television commercials.

The best learning is hands-on. Show how school work skills are needed and used in day-to-day life. Don’t take them to the DMV to prove this point.

Make sure your home is a place where it is easy for your child to learn. Keep books, magazines, catalogs and writing materials at easy reach. On second thought, you better hide some of those magazines.

Your child must learn to face the music for poor or incomplete work. Much like you do at work.

For a child to feel good about learning, he must first feel good about himself. Encourage your child by praising him when he gets an answer right. You can do this by telling him it was a lucky guess.

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How much cash should the Tooth Fairy leave?

April 17th, 2012

© Tooth Fairy

As Featured in the April 16, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :

As a new parent, everything about your new baby is measured in milestones. From their first smile, to their first laugh, to the first time they bring daddy a beer from the refrigerator in the garage – it’s all a big deal. Which brings my wife and me to our latest milestone with our 7-month-old son wee Mac: his first tooth.

Excessive drooling is one of the first signs of cutting a tooth, so it didn’t come as a surprise when wee Mac finally cut his first tooth last week. The little guy has been drooling so much he looks more like a St. Bernard than anything else. When he goes to bed at night he probably dreams of rescuing injured skiers in the Swiss Alps while wearing a brandy barrel around his neck.

But it did get me thinking: What happens when he starts losing his baby teeth? I can figure out how to play Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, and I do a very realistic impersonation of an intoxicated St. Patrick – but how do I play the Tooth Fairy?

Which brings me to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: Our 5-year-old daughter recently lost her first tooth. We weren’t sure how much the Tooth Fairy should leave her, so my husband just left her a $20 bill under her pillow. She was so excited about the $20 when she woke up she immediately pulled out another tooth that wasn’t ready to come out. Obviously $20 was too much. So how much money should the Tooth Fairy leave, if any?

- Denise from Laguna Beach

Dear Denise: You left your 5-year-old $20 for a tooth? If that’s true then your kid’s mouth is worth more than Daft Daddy’s car. I can’t really remember how much money my siblings and I got for a lost tooth when we were younger, but I can assure you it jingled rather than folded. We were so poor growing up we had to go to Sears if we wanted to watch TV. Our mother use to make us eat cereal with a fork just to save milk.

You’ve set the bar too high by giving your 5-year-old daughter $20 for losing her first tooth. You need to set a much lower amount right now before your daughter pulls out all her teeth and looks like Lamb Chop. Below are a few subtle differences between being a good Tooth Fairy and a bad one.

 

Good Tooth Fairy: Puts the money under the pillow.

Bad Tooth Fairy: Puts the child under the pillow.

Good TF: Leaves a sweet note for the child to read in the morning.

Bad TF: Leaves an Arby’s coupon good for one free order of curly fries on the child’s next visit.

Good TF: Leaves a new toothbrush to encourage frequent brushing.

Bad TF: Leaves a glass of orange juice for the child to drink immediately after frequent brushing.

Good TF: Leaves visual evidence such as traces of glitter behind.

Bad TF: Leaves traces of glitter behind as well as a 2 for 1 pass to Fritz That’s Too valid before 10 p.m.

Good TF: Leaves a pack of gum instead of money.

Bad TF: Leaves Nicorette gum.

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Does Dad drink too much?

April 9th, 2012

© Leaving Las Vegas

As Featured in the April 8, 2012 Ask Daft Daddy column in the Orange County Register :

I’m back Daft Daddy fans! After getting over-served at my brother-in-law’s posh wedding up in Santa Barbara last weekend, my editor was kind enough to give me the week off. So now it’s time to get back to reality – which really means I have to start paying for my own drinks again.

I think it goes without saying that we all love an open bar at a wedding. For some reason the drinks always taste that much better when they’re free. Which is why I am considering taking up the bagpipes – because let’s face it – nobody gets more free drinks than a bagpiper.

Now I know this isn’t socially acceptable to admit publicly, but I love alcohol. There, I said it. In fact, I like alcohol so much I thought the movie Leaving Las Vegas was a romantic comedy. But now that I’m a new dad, I kind of have to be a bit more responsible these days. There comes a point where every man has to draw the line with alcohol and say enough is enough. The problem I often run into is that I’m a very patient man.

But when it comes to spending time with my 7-month-old son wee Mac, it’s easy for me to draw the line. I’m well aware that I’m his role model, and anything I do he’s going to copy. So the only bottle I reach for when we’re together is his bottle. When he goes to sleep, well, that’s a whole different story.

Which brings me to our Ask Daft Daddy question of the week:

Dear Daft Daddy: My husband and I have two young boys, and I’m concerned with my husband drinking alcohol so openly in front of them. He’s at the point where he tells our oldest to bring him beers from the refrigerator! I think he may have a drinking problem, but maybe I’m just overreacting. Thoughts?

- Olivia from Diamond Bar

Dear Olivia: I wouldn’t know if your husband has a drinking problem. Luckily for me I don’t – which means now I can drink as much as I want. It is not uncommon for a loved one to develop a drinking problem, especially with the everyday pressures of raising a young family. But I can assure you it isn’t that difficult to quit, as I’ve done it literally a thousand times. But just to be sure, allow me to list a few signs to look for that your husband may or may not have a drinking problem:

 

Not a problem: Your kids enjoy waking your husband up in the mornings.

Problem: They wake him up by shouting, “Last Call!”

Not a problem: He gargles with Scope after he brushes his teeth.

Problem: He swallows the Scope when he’s finished.

Not a problem: He prefers a family breakfast of ham and eggs.

Problem: He prefers a family breakfast of Hamm’s and eggs.

Not a problem: He insists on going to church every Sunday.

Problem: He gets cut off at communion.

Not a problem: He helps your son with his science fair project.

Problem: His son’s science fair project is a still.

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